Naar de oncoloog

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Aankomende vrijdag is het weer zover. Mijn jaarlijkse controle bij de oncoloog in verband met het voorstadium van vulvakanker. Iets waar ik ieder jaar tegen op zie. Nerveus voor ben. Ondanks dat ik weet dat het een zeer langzaam groeiend virus is waarvan ze verwachten dat als het uberhaupt al kanker wordt, dat dat pas rond mijn 70ste / 80ste zal zijn. Maar toch hou je altijd stemmetje in je achterhoofd dat zeg “wat als het toch fout is?’’ Wat voor traject gaan we dan in? Wat gaat er dan gebeuren? Dus eigenlijk hele normale spanningen en gelukkig herken ik het ook als normale spanningen.

Maar dit jaar vind ik het extra spannend. Want vrijdag wordt de eerste keer dat iemand buiten mijn persoonlijke cirkel, mijn verbrande benen gaat zien. En ik hoor jullie zeggen “maar dat is een arts”, “artsen zijn wel wat gewend”. Maar dat is dus precies waar het niet omgaat. Dat een arts van alles gewend is dat weet ik zelf ook wel.

Het gaat in dit geval om mijn eigen gevoel er bij. Hoe ik er tegen op zie om mijn broek uit te moeten trekken. Hoe eng ik dat vind. Wat dat is het. Ik vind het eng. Want ik kan ook zijn gezichtsuitdrukking zien als hij naar mijn benen kijkt. Dit is “live”. Dit is geen foto die ik op twitter knal. Want dat is niet zo moeilijk. Een foto op twitter gooien. Ik  zie jullie gezichten dan namelijk niet. Ik lees alleen de reacties.

Maar vrijdag gaat dus iemand die ik amper ken voor het eerst mijn benen en billen zien. En ja dat vind ik doodeng!

9.732 antwoorden naar “Naar de oncoloog”

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    Dat geeft jezelf de mogelijkheid om er open op af te gaan, met de gedachten: ff een schot voor de boeg geven.
    Ik wens je in ieder geval sterkte.🥰

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