Brief aan die andere vrouw

(Geschreven op 12 oktober 2018)

Op het moment dat ik weer in E ging wonen heb ik voor mezelf besloten om nooit meer op jouw profiel te kijken. En verdomt, het lukt me nog ook (dat geloof je waarschijnlijk niet maar ik heb meer wilskracht dan dat jij denkt en ga dus ook verder niets doen om het te bewijzen). Ik heb zelfs nog amper aan je gedacht. Ik zal jou hier ook niet met jouw facebooknaam neerzetten want al mijn vrienden weten precies wie ik bedoel, hebben jouw profiel al lang bekeken en regelmatig iets van je geliked of je een vriendschapsverzoek gestuurd. Al dan niet per ongeluk. Jij kijkt nog steeds bij mij, maarja als je dat al doet vanaf 2011 dan kan je het toch rustig een obsessie noemen en obsessies zijn nou eenmaal moeilijk af te leren he.

Maar nu de datum in zicht komt dat ik vorig jaar jouw appje in zijn telefoon vond en mijn hele wereld in 1 keer volledig veranderde denk ik weer meer aan jou. Kijk als jij nou niet van mij had afgeweten, dacht dat hij vrijgezel was, dan had ik totaal geen reden om boos op jou te zijn. Maar jij wist dat hij een relatie had, hij heeft jou namelijk in 2011 gedumpt om het nog een keer met mij te proberen. En ik denk dat het toen mis ging met jou. Ik denk dat jij dat nooit hebt kunnen verkroppen. En toen ben jij mij in de gaten gaan houden op Facebook. Mijn persoonlijke en mijn blog pagina.

Ergens in de afgelopen jaren zijn jullie weer met elkaar in bed gedoken. Of misschien zijn jullie zelfs wel nooit gestopt met neuken. Maar meisje… als je het goed bekijkt, bedonderde hij niet alleen mij. Hij bedonderde jou ook alleen was jij op de hoogte en ik niet. En ik vraag me dan ook wel eens af hoe jij daar mee omging. Wetende dat hij thuis ook met mij het bed in dook (en niet alleen het bed) dat ik vaker, veel vaker seks met hem had dan jij? Dat hij iedere avond naast mij lag. Iedere avond mij welterusten kuste, iedere ochtend mij goedemorgen kuste, dat je nooit een hele nacht met hem had, nooit ’s avonds samen in slaap kon vallen en ’s morgens samen wakker worden, geen weekend om samen door te brengen, geen feestjes waar hij mee naar toe kon, niet samen naar familie etentjes, kerst of oud en nieuw samen doorbrengen? Vrat dat niet gigantisch aan je? En des te meer ik aan deze dingen denk, des te vrolijker ik wordt. Des te meer het medelijden dat ik voor mezelf voelde, naar jou toe gaat. Ja, wat jullie gedaan hebben deed zeer, heel zeer. Maar jij hebt al die jaren geweten dat hij mij had en dat moet zo gigantisch aan je gevreten hebben. Dat hij vanaf jou naar mij ging en dan naast mij in bed kroop.

En als je het goed bekijkt had jij dus eigenlijk helemaal niets. Je hield van hem, zoals je zelf schreef in je brief, en waarschijnlijk doe je dat nog. Maar lieverd, als hij echt van jou gehouden had, dan was dat wat jullie hadden wel verder uit gegroeid tot iets moois en blijvends in plaats van doodgebloed.

Maar ik dwaal af. Dit is namelijk niet wat ik aan je kwijt wou.

Het feit dat jij weet wie ik ben is niet de grootste reden waarom ik zo boos ben op jou. Ook alle dingen die je op je Facebook plaatste zoals memes waar ik heel veel uit kon halen, zijn onderbroek en een foto van zijn dekbedhoes zijn niet de dingen die mij extreem boos maakte. (Het maakte mij al wel aan het twijfelen of alles in jouw bovenkamer wel naar behoren werkt). Het werkte mee aan mijn boosheid en ja ik ging ook memes plaatsen. Ik verlaagde me tot jouw niveau en heb ik nog steeds spijt van want ik weet dat ik veel beter ben dan dat. En toen dat tot me doordrong was daarmee stoppen heel makkelijk.

Wat me echt boos maakte is namelijk het volgende.

Een paar jaar geleden hebben jij en ik een messenger gesprek gehad over jouw miskraam. Wij begonnen daarover bij een gezamenlijke Facebook vriend maar zijn privé verder gegaan. Weet je nog? En wat voelde ik tijdens dat gesprek jouw pijn en wat vond ik het erg voor je. Een kind verliezen is het ergste wat je kan overkomen. Wat je toen vergeten was te vertellen, was dat je toen al mijn partner neukte. En dat het volgens jou zijn kind was. Dit vertelde je me dit jaar pas. Nou zet ik mijn vraagtekens bij jouw miskraam aangezien daar verschillende verhalen de ronde over doen (zoals ik al eerder zei, je moet toch eens je Facebook en/of reallife vrienden en/of familie gaan screenen want er zitten er twee tussen die zich geroepen voelen om mij van dingen op de hoogte te houden en mij over verschillende zaken inlichten).

Ook het feit dat jij in de paranormale/spirituele groep vrolijk mijn droom gaat uitleggen aan mij. De vriendelijkheid zelf bent. Alle tijd van de wereld neemt, mij vragen stelt en alles uitlegt. En ondertussen neuk je nog steeds mijn partner.

Maar wat toch wel het toppunt van alles is. Waar jij mij achteraf echt mee over de zeik hebt gekregen is toch wel dat ik in diezelfde groep op een bepaald moment vraag om steun en kracht omdat ik de dag erna weer na de oncoloog toe moet in verband met mijn voorstadium van vulvakanker en dat jij daar onderzet: “Heel veel sterkte en succes xx. Gaat er iemand mee?” En nog steeds neukte je mijn partner.

En als ik hier nu zo aan terug denk vraag ik mij maar 1 ding af.. Hoe fucking gestoord moet je zijn om dit te doen? Hoe achterbaks ben je om zo te reageren op de partner van je minnaar? Waarom zou je überhaupt contact leggen met de partner van je minnaar? Waarom negeer je haar niet gewoon. Wat haal jij daar uit? Was dat een gevalletje jezelf minder schuldig voelen? Onee, je hebt geen verbintenis met mij dus je voelde je niet schuldig, is ook zo. Wat was het dan? Wou je er zo achter komen hoe gelukkig wij nog waren, of alles nog goed zat tussen hem en mij?

Dit zijn trouwens retorische vragen en ik hoef dus geen antwoord. Maar dat had je wel door he.

Met ieder woord dat ik hier neergezet heb, voel ik mezelf vrij worden. Vrij van mijn gevoel naar jou toe. Vrij van het gevoel waar ik in vast zat. Vrij van het idee dat mijn hele toekomst naar de kloten is. want ik heb nu ook het besef dat mede dankzij jou, ikzelf weer de hele regie over mijn leven heb. Dat ik beslis hoe die er uit gaat ziet. Het besef dat het aan mij is hoe het nu verder gaat en dat ikzelf de keus heb om hem in te vullen. En dat geeft me zo ontzettend veel kracht dat ik met 1000% zekerheid weet dat uiteindelijk ik degene ben die er het beste af is gekomen.

En dat geeft me een lach die ik lang niet bij mezelf gezien en gevoeld heb.

16.772 antwoorden naar “Brief aan die andere vrouw”

  1. Dat zij jou boos maakt laat inzien dat zij meer met jou doet dan je waarschijnlijk toe wil geven. Zij heeft jouw ex-vriend willens en wetens geneukt en door haar ben je hem nu kwijt. Daar heeft zij een streepje voor op jou. En als zij toen vrijgezel was heeft zij niks te maken met de partners vriendin. Dat kun je alleen je ex-vriend verwijten, haar niet.

  2. Toendertijd was ik inderdaad heel boos. En nog geeneens omdat zij seks hebben gehad maar om het schijnheilge gedrag wat ze vetoonde. Mijn ex is absoluut de boosdoender in dit verhaal, dat weet ik zelf ook! En ja op hem was ik ook boos, ik ben niet voor niets weg gegaan!

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